the girl with a dream

no,
im done with it.
i've dealt with it.
i've forgiven
and i choose to forgive again and forget.

just that i need a little time.
and im giving you all the space and all the privacy u need.
don't you worry a thing, im not mad.
i'm serious.
just tat maybe, things have changed.
since your status changed.
but i understand. :)
i can adapt to changes quite well, for the world's standard's and mine too.

so there.
I'M OK. :)

i kinda wonder how are my buddies, like
cy,
sher,
tzin nie,
wan ching,
tammy :)
coping with life now.
i miss the old days.
when we could do whatever we want. and laugh like nobody's business.

YOU, CY AND SHER!
are the main culprits. XD.

this coming month is going to be a super tough month for me.
every thing is going to be so unstable and so uncertain.
the problem is...
im going to be static. for a change.
its the people around me that are going to change.

i so hate the leaving part.
this is the only part i hate about leaving school.
well, hey, i get to leave my hair, dye whatever colour i like,
paint my nails, wear anything i'd like.
drive anywhere i wanna...so its like a huge chunk of freedom
on my hands.
then there has to be D part, that i hate most.
" goodbyes"

sher lynn might or might not be leaving.
the thought that the 'powerpuff girls' is going to be separated.
is just so...
so....
not happifying.
then there's yvonne, another darling of mine,
going off to bahrain, (hope i spelt tat correctly)
and then off to USA.
then there's maylyn,
off to oregon, USA.
its like all my gal buddies are slowly leaving one by one.

and if u've seen my previous post in fb,
like i wrote,
"nobody is supposed to leave when i'm still here."
but seriously, i have to keep telling myself

" stop being so selfish! its one of the phases of life."

i don't like it because i dunno
if...i can make our friendship stay the same way
...i can accept that we may not remain as good friends after so many years apart
...i can accept the fact i may only be titled as "this was my best friend, LAST TIME."

but all i can do is...
put it all into God's hands.
He takes people in your life away
so that He may introduce ur loved ones
to others to bless them.
as He will introduce new people in my life
and to for me to have the room
in my heart to bless them and be blessed in return,
He has to take away those people who have fulfilled His plan in my life
and send them off on their new journey.

all in all,
i believe in His plans,
thought how uncertain it may seem,
thought how vague it may seem,
But i shall choose to trust with both of my palms
wide open without clinging on to any of my strength.
this is going to be my mindset for the moment.
100 % faith
its not easy
but with God's strength, I can.

that was certainly a wake up call for me.
who knew?
they/ we arent even adults yet.
they still had a bright future ahead of them.
that's what i assume.
its always the case
we plan plan plan for the next 10,15 years
when you dont even know when your time is up.
funny huh?

really makes me ponder.
am i focusing too much of the worldly things that arent eternal,
till i forget to focus on fulfilling my purpose in life as His follower,
before i reach my expiry date?
am i treating it as a norm to assume i'd live up to 80 and
have dozens of grandchildren,
till i think its unimportant to act now?

its time to get things straight.

its only january
and i hear news of who's leaving and who's leaving.
and it doesnt feel nice.
especially those friends who can make you feel that you can spend eternity together with them.
rational people would say its life.
i'm rational.
but i still dont like it.

i always thought how would it have been,
if i was the one leaving.
would I be missed?
i dunno.
my mum would. that's for sure.
or maybe they'd think its life too.
and time just washes away the memories,
little by little.
i just hope i made a mark in their lives.
a good one.

haven't got anybody dear leaving too far away yet.
Thank God and it wont be hard for them to come back and visit.
but if you know u're dear to me,
and you're leaving soon.
i don't mind an early notification if you don't like a wet shirt and floor.

i am neutral.
i think.
not trying to think about anything now.
even if the graduation year book is awful
even if its too horrible to be distributed today.
even if a lot of SPM-ers will be screaming at me.
even if the cover is way out of alignment.
even if the colours look like they need a LOT more yellow in it.
even if there are tones of mistakes cos he actually printed the wrong copy!!!
(can you believe this??!! spending 9 hours in his office to make sure everything is right means nothing)
even if there's a mistake in our 600 ringgit worth advertisement.
even if we're going to reprint and get it real late.
even if we're going to get the book latest ever in peng hwa history.

i think i care.
but i aint radical.
this book is important so is SPM.
like i said,
ignore me.
i'm just doing a self analysis on my problem
with my blog.
and ppl, i'm sry...
i really am.
i'm sorry i wasted your morning in school.
making you hope you could get your books by today.

p.s. hippo, no photos today, totally wasnt in a mood.
p.p.s. chung, just go to your layouts, click add a gadget, then scroll down and look for logo. then shift it wherever you want.
p.p.p.s. like i wrote in fb, still standing strong here with God's strength! :)

sometimes,

very capable people can be so caught up with themselves.

they do things so well that they tend to forget about God's grace.

they think they can achieve everything they set their heart to

well, which is true.

and they think they can control their own lives their own way.

*

i fall in that category.

*

you might be rolling your eyes in disbelief

that i actually think that i'm quite capable of doing loads of stuff.

you might call me a show-off.

*

i call that-PRIDE.

*

i've been battling with this issue since form 4.

especially when i was actively involved in YE.

i always thought if i work hard enough,

things will work out and i'll get my reward.

simple.

little did i know that i was prideful.

i thought i was a good testimony for Christ.

being so involved with all sorts of stuff yet trying hard to cope with studies.

i think a preacher talked about it...

or uncle sam prayed for me...

only then did i know i was trying to play god.

*

daniel ross came last week.

he has a lot of this very wise theories.

like, " show me your friends, and i'll show you your future."

" unforgiveness is like drinking poison and wanting the other person to die."

wise right??

he gave an illustration of surrendering to God.

with a feather.

you see, God does not force anybody.

He lets us have our own free will.

and when He calls on you, its just a soft, gentle whisper.

if you happen to hold on to your feather ever so tightly,

even if you say you surrender.

its unlikely that it'll fly away.

(feather= burden) my own interpretation.

but if you actually open your palm flat

and let God take control.

He will, together with your worries too.

*

I'm learning that with my year book.

i made a prayer saying that i'll let go of my feather.

little did i know, that it would have cost my yearbook.

God knows where your heart is i guess...

and what a lesson!

and to all my schoolmates who read my blog.

yes, we might not make it before graduation night.

but i leave it to God for his perfect timing.

*

and i wouldnt want a lousy yearbook with full of mistakes and errors

just because i wanted it out fast.

i wouldnt wanna hide somewhere once i finish distributing the book to you guys. :)

acturial science?



i heard its very hard.



medicine?



erm...pass.



teaching?



maybe. but maybe something more challenging?



business?



mum doesn't really agree.



marketing?



i like it. but will i survive in M'sia.



fashion?



oooooh, mah favourite!!! = impractical



editorial?



i'm practically sick of it rite now....



mass communications?



do i make a good reporter? yet, quite hard to survive here.



singing?



hobby yes...career...i don't think so.



engineering?



my dad wants me to consider. he studied as one actually.

but i don't even know what an engineer does??

well, my dad certainly didnt end up as one.

what if i don't either?



and yes...i know.

you guys are dying for me to mention this.

mummy?



its a natural. no certs required. you just need lots of love and patience.

+ a few kids + a husband + a house to wear you down.



you know what?



final conclusion.



pray. since HE's the only one who knows what i'll be in the future.

what is my responsibility right now?
being a cell leader?
being a worship leader?
being a "ah long"?
being a deco coordinator?

i thought so too.
but auntie stella said something at BK that just struck me.

I AM A STUDENT.

that meant it is my resposibility to study well.
and to make sure i have enough time for it.
that meant i have to set my priorities right.
knowing what's important, what's not.

this is really something that i'm going to think about
during my remaining hols.

some things are best left unspoken.
i wish i didnt have to hear them.

i had my 3rd driving lesson today.
this was different car, and the clutch and i seemed to like each other.

you know what guys,
i love you guys to shredds, to bits, to minces, to powder!!
thank you sooo much for your encouragement and your prayers.
and your tips on the clutch.
and scolding dear ah pek.

i think i made progress today.
i dared to change to gear 3 without ah pek saying,
" eh, change d la!"
now, he's greedy.
he wants me to change to gear 4. i am terrified of that!
gah! and my engine really went "plucatizx" at the junction.
twice! thank God i wrote some of my " before i die" letters.

QTI is next thursday.
and the test? next next thursday.
pls continue to pray for me.
i'm forever glad to recieve sms's from you about anything i should take notice.
i need advice! mum and dad forgot everything about their clutches.
i'll pretty much do the same, i guess.

my legs are sore. but i can't wait for the day to terrorize the roads!!
hope no monkey wants me to take them for a ride tml at penang hill.
i really hope i don't get lost.
i haven't finish my letters yet!!!

~connie

you'd never know you made me feel guilty...

i hope you don't.

it'll make me guiltier.

warning: emo content below. please at read at own risk.

from now on,

i'll learn to be happy.

i'll learn to be contented.

i'll learn to appreciate love.

i'll learn not to criticise.

i'll learn not to gossip.

i'll learn how to encourage.

i'll learn to be patient when its really really hard.

i'll learn to be a tad more demure.

i'll learn to be understanding.

i'll learn to respect my dad and mum.

i'll learn to shut up when i really should.

i'll learn to stay when friends need you.

i wanna learn because i been thru those times and i know just how it feels.

when ppl around you seem sad,

when ppl grumble,

when ppl just have something to say about everything you do,

when ppl say things that are not true,

when ppl pull you down from your dreams,

when ppl blow up even if you really do need help,

when ppl laugh too loudly, (it scares me, A LOT!) i dun wanna be that.

when ppl just cant see the whole picture,

when ppl just treat you lightly,

when ppl just cant zip their mouth when they really need to,

and when ppl leave you just when you need them.

sometimes, it takes hurts to learn...

p.s this is not emo la k.
u think it is cos' it makes sense to you...

#1. Whenever you feel fat, never ever look at models or even fashion catalougues or pretty skinny gals that still look fab even tho they're vaining.

#2. Whenever you think you're skinny enough to eat a tee bit more. THINK AGAIN.

#3. I think i'm talking too much about the fat issue since i just told my gals in CG not to be bothered by it.

#4. I really should be sleeping now. Can you imagine i drooled twice in my sleep?
* this should be censored.* spoils my image. *winks

#5. I wish I was of smaller build. like my mum. knock knock, connie!! practise what u say and write!

#6. miss cy, rihanna is not a hyena. very different species. and i do not have snarling teeth.

#7. I really dun mind losing the Challenge Trophy. I think we gained more out of it this year compared to last year.

#8. hmm, australia or USA? aus more expensive, USA too far. argh! i shall stay here and marry off then. save some money for my dad for his so called retirement holidays.

#9. i have fears that nobody would want to marry me.

#10. i wish it was 2010 now. SPM woosh sudah over!

nitex ppl.
its 0215.
imagine a cow genetically mutated to a panda only at the head.
not a fancy sight. even though the patches and colour do match.

that was a totally daring move.

i decided to snip off my iconic bangs and layer off my another iconic bob.

had no idea what made me do so.

i suppose i wanted a change.

maybe i wanted to make sure people will still accept me even if i changed from the outside.

i guess i'm just afraid of not being accepted.

i think i look like rihanna now *winks

nah! still too fair to be her.

at least i've got comments that i dun look so hot (not sexy, what i mean is juak, ok!) without my distracting hair.

but still, my head feels too light...

never mind...

its not like it'll not grow back.


ps. sher, pls have a teeny bit more patience.

i promised, but not yet :)

i'm not going to die just yet, well, if you were surprised at my blog title.
who knows, maybe God wants me up in heaven early.^^

i kinda got the inspiration from p.s. i love you
but my version will be kinda different.
the book's version is you only read the letter after the writer dies.
my version is you better read it before i die!!

hah.
sometimes there are some stuff i wanted to tell that somebody.
but i never got the chance.
then i'll only regret it at home.
and i just can't say to u out of the blue...saying:
erm, hey, i wanna tell you that....blah blah *something from the heart*
it's just not my style.


so i've decided that i'll write these letters to you guys.
but i need to know whether do u want me to.
in case you dun want me to blab about some hush-shush details. :P
u never know what i can still remember.
ask marky, i have super memory. with people.


so just shout at my shoutmix.
and you'll be reading my letters to you before i die.
just get a tissue ready when u read my letter to u. wakaka.
i love to see ppl cry.
well, wondering who i'm talking about.
look at a mirror and say, i think connie is talking about u.





~moo

okay....i didn't expect that...

i went to the loo.
got back.
sat down.
tot my classmates were going to sing me a bday song
(its the tradition they do, when somebody uses the loo, its their prime time to pakat)
well, i heard silence....

no song.
never mind.
mine isn't today either.
pn teoh, chinese teacher says, " xin yi, fill the pemantauan file."

xin yi gets up and gets it.
and puts it on my table.
puzzled...cos she does it everytime.
but i tot maybe she's busy.
so i opened the file.
i squealed...
a loud squeal.
a pop-up card saying
happy birthday connie
gosh....
i kept laughing and laughing and laughing
out of shock i guess.
or for my impoliteness for making such a noise in class.
then, the bday song came.

haha.
i laughed till i teared.
they probably think i'm too touched.
well, sry to make u disappointed guys :)
but i still love you guys to bits.
thanks for the surprise!
you should take my squeal as your prize.

and...okay fine ppl.
i'm motherly.
i get it.
i'll accept the fact.
i can't believe almost every person who wrote on my card tot of me as motherly!
i'm exagerating...not all la.

.....thx for your advice all these years along the way (that's y we call you 'lao dua mak') -huey

dear connie: you're cute & motherly. -min xuan

to connie: i will miss the days you "chase" us to science lab, screaming for us to pass up our books. you are like S5A's mum!!- yee cing

connie:.........encopsulates everything you're lovable for: your cuteness :) your glow:P your motherish nature XD -xin yi

gosh.
you know what.
i think i've got some talent in being a mom.

another surprise.
i'm going for chinese essay competiton tml!!!
chinese!! i cannot believe i agreed on it.

oh i forgot.
surprise 3
Jivey Enterprise Annual Report was reported to be found in Sue Yin's cupboard.

we girls can talk about anything anywhere

we were like talking about love at first sight in physics lab

strange isn't it?

we should be talking about resonance, resistance, friction etc etc....



never mind.

okay,

back to topic

we were talking about love at first sight.



as usual, huey nee was nodding her head in agreement

fyi,

huey nee

*loves romantic stuff

*believes in jodoh

*wants a boy who can sing like fang li shen

*thinks that she has to broaden her circle of boy friends ( not boyfriends ) to look for her mr. right.



ying qi, main rempah for our siaoness.

didnt agree.

well,

i guessing that she

*loves romantic stuff too (u should see how hyper she can get )

* is a bit more conscious than my friend above

*thinks that guys shouldn't act desperate, maybe they really are....who knows, we already know one *winks*



for xin tze

aha! new name huh?

she is such a fun gal to be with!!!!!

*her love experience = nil

same like me

*laughs a lot

same like me

*very busy in school

same like me



she's practically my twin la

just that she's 5 inches taller...

dun u imagine how short i am!!



me?

*i dun believe in love at first sight either

*maybe past experiences proved my theory.

*you think he's the guy....

but you're wrong ( ALWAYS!) for me...

so i'm thinking God is preparing somebody for me whom i shouldn't see yet

haha.

i'll make it a surprise for myself...



if you're wondering

y see man's name is not here,

which she'll practically jump into the topic when we talk about ''D'' topic!

she always says, " hen3 lang4 man4 lo!" = very romantic lo...

she and huey nee make really good desk partners.

well, see man had a photo session.

that's why.



love....

too deep for us/me to comprehend



its strange, like i'm lacking of something

which i really don't mind.

huey nee thinks its super bahagia to be pregnant

cos you're having a being shared between you and your husband.

me?

i just feel bahagia to have a child of my own.

just the motherly love.

that's y they always say i'm motherly.... argh!